Dear People Pleaser, Choose You – A Conversation with Matthew Perry

K: Hello.

M: Hello! Awesome. This is great. Thank you.

K: Sorry I couldn’t come in sooner. I needed the weekend. Although yesterday I could have channeled if I really wanted to.

M: No. (shakes his head) You needed the weekend. How are you? (pats the arms of the chair. he’s in a really good mood)

K: I’m good. Sort of…it’s hard to get grounded the past few days but I’m just chalking that up to the energy dropping down from the sky. Dreams have also been weird. Last night was a little bit violent but whatever.

M: Oh no. Do you remember what the dream was about?

K: Scary bad people in an enclosed space. That’s all I’ll say.

M: Yikes. Doesn’t sound good.

K: Meh. It ended okay. Lots of rabbits so someone’s preggers.

M: Is that something that happens with you? You dream of rabbits, and you hear baby news?

K: All the time. Since you’re here…I actually wanted to ask you about visitations from spirits because I saw something while doom scrolling…

M: Okay.

K: And someone says you visit often.

M: Sure.

K: Do you visit often?

M: I do. I try to…I think all of us…when we die…have the tendency to drop in on people that we loved and have known. I think that’s just normal when you find out that you can do that. In the beginning, it happens quite a bit. Sometimes, the visiting can get frustrating with…that whole grieving process but when…I’ll just speak for me…when I can just slip in there and give some sort of sign that people would recognize…it alleviates that grief for them…just a little bit. I consider it pretty important to make those appearances for people when I’m able to. The walls can be thick sometimes. But…I figure it’s a responsibility of mine…sort of a situation where you don’t want to leave people hanging. Does that make sense?

K: Absolutely.

M: And when people are open…you know…open to the possibility that there is life after death and we can come and go freely…maybe even a little bit more easily then let’s say…people to people…when those people are open, I consider it…you know, a responsibility of mine to pick up the phone and call…whatever way that can happen.

K: Do all spirits consider it a responsibility in some way?

M: To an extent…for sure in the beginning. But after time has passed…it’s less and less. The more people stand on their feet and can…you know…find some kind of new normal…those calls get a bit less and less. I mean…I don’t think I would come and make a call to a distant cousin after being gone for ten years. Out of the blue just up and call and say something stupid like, remember me? When time has passed…the grief tends to be less and less.

K: Is that…I don’t know…painful…do you think? For spirits?

M: Um…not for me…(gestures to his chest) I think there is a natural process to these things and there are things that we discover we want to do over here and so we go about doing those things. You know, we call home every once in a while, but as time passes, those calls can be less and less because life continues whether you’re on this side of life or that one.

K: For sure.

M: But that’s what makes these types of things…what we’re (gestures to both of us with a finger) doing right now…so cool. Just a call and a catch up…share a bit of information that people might be interested in…like our own little written podcast. Which…I miss that. (points to me) That was cool, and I hope it starts up again.

K: It would be nice if it did. I need to find a partner to do that. I can’t do that on my own and by can’t…I really don’t want to. I don’t want to hold all that energy. Jump back and forth…like this tennis ball between worlds. The question and answer thing is easier with the writing…if that makes sense?

M: I get it. But this is good.

K: This is good. (looking at my notebook) I don’t know why I wrote this down and when I did I saw your face so I’m assuming that you want to get into it?

M: Well…I think there is a certain requirement to speak up on behalf of the people pleasers.

K: Ah.

M: I am learning…(pauses) by watching…that the people pleasers are sort of getting pissed off in a way…can I say that? Pissed off?

K: Sure.

M: There is a growing frustration that I’m picking up from the people who have set out, in their lives, to please others in a way that negates what’s important to them and it’s sort of hit this big…wall. Because the intention of pleasing others was to keep things peaceful and quiet but when it just doesn’t last, or it backfires…it stings.

K: Yes.

M: The sting really hurts now or all of a sudden because the sting has happened over and over and over again in the same place and it’s become frustrating and disappointing to the people pleasers of the world. I’m finding that…this whole thought or idea of feeling like a person is lost is somewhat of a question from spirit…from the beyond…to them…

K: (chuckling)

M: The beyond is asking, who are you, what do you want, what do you need. And the answer to that question is…hard to answer from the people pleasers because they have spent so much time pleasing others that they don’t know what they need or want anymore and that is a very frustrating place to be in.

K: Then, you are feeling that frustration.

M: Yeah…for sure.

K: It’s like this tug-of-war energy where the pleasers have remained quiet and those that have that control over…whatever it is…are getting louder. It’s almost like the control…the people who crave that control are realizing that the people pleasing from others is coming to an end and so there is a desperation that’s appearing for those who want to maintain that semblance of control. What do you see the people pleasers doing?

M: They aren’t shouting…they aren’t out for a battle…they’re just walking away…quietly. I see a lot of the people who have been desperate for that control that has been filled up by the people pleasers…they’re looking around themselves and they’re asking where everybody went. They suddenly feel very alone.

K: Okay.

M: But when the control…feels very alone…it’s more of an anger or a resentment that starts building that they were abandoned. People who need to keep the control…whatever that control is about…a business venture…a family…a marriage…a friendship…I see a lot of them…balance is trying to come through and they thought having that power was balance and it never was. So, within that is a lot of frustration and loneliness.

K: For sure.

M: The message that I thought was so important for the people pleasers is choosing you which, for a people pleaser is so, so difficult because it can feel selfish in a way. It goes against everything that they believe but I think it’s so important to start choosing you. Start choosing the self. I think the theme of the current year and the years to follow is to really start choosing yourself. But it’s not about a proclamation. Because if it turns into a loud proclamation, there is a risk of turning into the other extreme which is the one that needs that control. It’s more of a quiet proclamation.

K: What does a quiet proclamation look like?

M: A quiet turn and walk in the opposite direction. A letting go and receiving. Because…the people pleaser doesn’t let go and receive…not really. There is no space for that to happen. The people pleaser can’t let go and receive if they’re always so busy giving. Right?

K: Yes.

M: The biggest thing that a pleaser can do is to choose themselves, take a step back and away and allow everything that you’ve given and over-given…to come back. Allow all that love, care, attention…honor that you’ve given away so freely come back to you. Create that space and the only way to create that space is by choosing you and to walk into a space where…it’s your nest. You’re the bird and you fly high into whatever tree and there is a nest built for you that you can receive from.

K: You’re showing me a 4 of swords energy.

M: I’m not one for tarot cards but…yes…it is very much a 4 of swords energy for the people pleasers. Because you have to think…(shifts in his chair)…the people pleasers…when they started…that came from love and honoring someone that they were giving to. After giving and giving and giving…that heart space gets depleted and then the pleasing becomes more of a thought process. Like how can I give of myself to keep them peaceful. It becomes…now that the heart space is depleted…more of a mental calculation disguised as love in action.

K: Wow.

M: And so, that 4 of swords symbolism is very relevant because once the mind is at rest, the heart space can become rejuvenated. The mind is a powerful tool. It can work in favor of or against. But when a person is depleted after over-giving…the mind is in overdrive. It doesn’t know how to stop. It rehashes and rehashes because the mind is an addict.

K: The mind is an addict?

M: Absolutely. When the people pleaser is giving from depletion and doing it more from thought than emotion…it’s become a pattern…an addiction to be seen or heard by over-giving. Like…maybe if I do this or that or give this or that…things will be better. I can just have one more hit…one more drink…the last smoke…whatever…it’s just the last because I just need things to be peaceful.

K: Ah. Got it. That’s crazy.

M: The people pleaser and the control freaks…(smiles and winks) are both extremes of the same spectrum and they’re both addicts of those extremes.

K: Boundaries are coming up more and more lately. I see it everywhere but that’s a very high wire to balance on too.

M: It is. Absolutely. Sometimes boundaries are…used as control mechanisms as well…in the guise of what some would call “boundaries” (finger quote). Honestly…boundaries are a learning curve that can take a long time for anyone to learn because there are always new people, new situations…new life that comes in and throws curveballs. That’s why I really believe it’s the time for people to choose themselves. It doesn’t look like someone being selfish when done with the best of intentions.

K: And what are the best of intentions?

M: When the people pleaser finally feels like they are being taken care of.

K: Ah, for sure. I totally agree. And it doesn’t have to be loud. Choosing you doesn’t have to be loud and obnoxious.

M: Honestly, things can come to a head. There can be a bit of a blow up when someone chooses themselves…because they’ve had it. They’ve come to a point where they’ve had it and they are a volcano about to erupt and that is completely fair because the people pleaser will always come back to apologize. The ones that want to control everything…will always feel like they are right and will never apologize and manipulate a situation to make sure people see it at all angles in their favor…whatever they have to do to do that. When the people pleaser chooses them after a period of inner reflection and growth…it’s a quiet withdrawal…no party…no announcement…just gone. Which, incidentally…carries way more influence and power than any temper tantrum would.

K: A very wise woman told me that people have a tendency to over explain themselves.

M: People pleasers love to over explain so they don’t feel like they’re hurting anyone else. But when they start choosing themselves…they don’t feel the need to explain anything. No is a complete sentence.

K: I love that. I so love that. I tell my clients that all the time.

M: (smirks) Then you’re the wise woman.

K: Absolutely not. I am not. I am a student of life. It was a different wise woman.

M: (shrugs) And death.

K: (laughing) I guess you could say that. Death does come with many faces.

M: It does. It really does.

K: So, what is Matthew Perry up to today.

M: Got everything and nothing on the go.

K: (grins) Awesome. I’m working.

M: Well, then, you have everything on the go. I heard you talking…you have a pretty full plate this week.

K: I do! Christ on a bike! I feel like I’ve been racing around since the beginning of December. I told my husband that this weekend, let’s just do fun stuff.

M: Did you?

K: A bit. It was nice. And now another week begins.

M: And I feel that on a soul level.

K: You do not! (laughing)

M: I do. I wouldn’t lie to you.

K: Okay then. I trust you. Thank you for feeling my week on a soul level.

M: (looks around) As your city comes alive, I will leave you to it. Thank you. As always…we should do this again sometime.

K: As always, I would love to and we will. I love you.

M: (small smile) I love you. Have a good day.

K: You too.

Nods, salutes me with two fingers and is gone.